IF YOU BLOG IT, NO ONE MIGHT COME

Blogs. So many. And I love to read them but gee, sometimes I wonder, looking at the queues and queues of bloggers singing for attention…is blogging the middle class equivalent of auditioning for the X Factor?

How do you make sure you’re not one of the many duds sliced up for the ‘so rubbish they’re funny’ reel?

Lucky for you, I found these auditioning for American Idol tips and converted them into tips for writing a blog. The symmetry is incredible.

1.

Audition Tip: Dress reasonably normal

Blog tip: Don’t use a distracting design

Let’s rethink your PINK RED YELLOW and all the colours of the rainbow background design. Have you have you ever read something in a book, a magazine, or an advertising poster against a rainbow background?

Either your design is enhancing one’s ability to read your content or it is killing your reader slowly in the eyes and you’re an eye-murderer.

2.

Audition Tip: Be yourself, but also be charming, sweet and above all, humble

Blog tip: Be yourself

Where being yourself in the classroom might get you beaten up, being yourself online is totally cool. The world-wide web is so big even if you’re a bit odd you’re gonna find like-minded people who are into the same weird stuff as you. For example I love this while others? Disturbed. Go figure.

Though if you had to fake one thing about yourself, I vote for being humble, let’s face it, it’s not like you (I) have a journalism degree.

3.

Audition Tip: Expect to be sent home with a thanks, but no thanks

Blog tip: Have low expectations

What are your expectations? To be the most famous blogger of all time and win a Grammy for your blog? Hopefully you are aiming for the general vicinity of fun-having. Or maybe you want to make money advertising dodgy jewelry. To the former, sounds good. I don’t know how to talk to the latter. I think you need to go somewhere else about that.

4.

Audition Tip: When singing, be PASSIONATE!

Blog tip: WOOP! Yeah. When writing, be PASSIONATE!

Passion does this magical thing of making what you have to write interesting for people to read.

Though don’t confuse passion for ranting. Ranting is about bringing something or someone down. Maybe it includes a genuine complaint the writer needs to get off their chest, e.g. alerting others to Vodafone’s (insert corporate brand here) evil ways. It’s not my business what people write about but I know this much, nobody likes a whiner.

Keep your rants to a minimum and be careful not to get involved in other people’s rants. When we see someone complain in public, we British bow our heads and stare at the ground. The equivalent also holds for blogs. It’s called being non-confrontational and it keeps us from getting hurt.

5.

Audition Tip: Don’t let your audition run too long!

Blog tip: Don’t let your post run too long!

Attention spans online are short. Facebook status-reading is taxing for many. Meaning the reader will often scroll from the title of this post right down to the conclusion, if they read any of it at all. Well done if you are still reading, you’re like some sort of super-human droid (or my mum).

Therefore, stop writing so much and be a blog where people can enjoy a quick read when they are on their lunch break or when they are watching ‘Mad Men,’ while looking at their friend’s cousin’s wedding photos on Facebook and checking their Ebay bid and eating spaghetti.

6.

Audition Tip: If they cut you, try to avoid bursting into tears and telling the world that all your dreams have been shattered and your life is now meaningless

Blog tip: Although writing a post about your dreams being shattered and demanding another chance would probably make a good read, if no one reads your blog, don’t give up or do… It doesn’t matter. No one is going to notice.

Maybe try to avoid looking at analytics, how many people have read, commented, tweeted your post. It’s not really going to give you the answers you want and there really is much more to life, more meaning to life, than blogging. God would agree. Starving children would agree. Don’t cry. You’re being self-indulgent.

7.

Audition Tip: Don’t have a goatee

Blog tip: Don’t use OMG or punctuation to make smiley/winky/unhappy faces

I made this one up to squeeze in a warning against the use of OMG or punctuation to make smiley/winky/unhappy faces.

Now go, skedaddle. Stop reading. Go write something (updating your Facebook status doesn’t count) and get on the winners reel with the stirring background track.

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