THE KING’S SPEECH? A MADE MAN.

You touch me (say anything bad about 'The King's Speech') and you're dead

‘The King’s Speech’ is getting a lot of five star reviews. I bet it is a brilliant, deeply moving, superbly-acted and even an educational five star film. I will definitely never say anything bad about it because I’ll never see it. The reason being, if I never go see it, I’ll never say anything bad about it. There are just some films and this feels like one of them, you are NOT ALLOWED TO TOUCH. They’re the film equivalent of Billy Batts, a made-man in ‘Goodfellas.’ No matter how much you dislike these films, you better keep quiet or you’re dead ya here?

I find myself disliking films I’m not allowed to dislike on a regular basis. You’d think I’d just keep my mouth shut and stay out of trouble but I can’t help it. If I don’t like something I need to tell you and I need to explain in detail why I don’t like it. It’s some kind of tic.

So I decided a long time ago to avoid the made-films and save myself the awkward conversation, the puzzled, even annoyed response. ‘The Blair Witch Project’ for example, made my friend very afraid and left me very bored. By the end I could tell you in detail what the inside of the cinema looked like from door to door, floor to ceiling (I think I still can). Unfortunately my criticism was met with outrage and the arguing ended with my friend concluding, “You have never been camping so you are less able to fully appreciate the film.” Yes, indeed. This theory explains why I have never been able to appreciate Besson’s ‘Joan of Arc,’ because after all, I have never led an army to victory or been burned at the stake.

You're right Joan, I just don't understand what it feels like.

Now there is always the possibility I am right in my criticism but am I going to get into a review of ‘Titanic’ to prove it? Nooooooooo. The debaters will always defer to five star reviews or Oscars (eleven is pretty decent for a film with Billy Zane) and I will always look like a miserable person who just wants to spoil everyone’s fun.

Empire magazine gave Titanic five stars, “Jack, I want you to draw me like one of your French girls,” yet doesn’t the dialogue at least knock one star off, c’mon! Then there are the five stars given to ‘Superman Returns,’ ‘Wall-E,’ ‘The Curious Case of Benjamin Button,’ ‘Crash,’ ‘O Brother Where Art Thou’ (there is a suspicious Coens-can-do-no-wrong thing going on, ssshhh), ‘Atonement,’ ‘The Last Samurai,’ and yes, this is a good one, surely you don’t own this on DVD, ‘Intolerable Cruelty’ (see what I mean about the Coens?).

I know, I know, I’m not Empire-bashing (what a great magazine and all that), now and again they give five stars to good films too, like ‘Jurassic Park,’ ‘The Big Lebowski,’ (the Coens at last justified) ‘When Harry Met Sally,’ ‘Toy Story 1,2 & 3,’ ‘All About My Mother,’ ‘Kick-Ass,’ ‘Avatar,’ ‘Singing in the Rain’ and ‘The Lion King.’

Wait a minute! You're the racist guy... and now you're... helping... me?

It’s just secretly deep down, right down in there, where your critical analysis lives (or sleeps) we were all really really bored by ‘Wall-E’ and his scurrying back and forth collecting rubbish right? It’s just you can’t say can you? You can’t say, “‘Crash’? Slap me across the face with your stupid-attempt-to-be-clever-plot why don’t you?” How could you? It’s a film challenging issues such as racism and what else, em,…racism. You can’t say because if you do, you’ll get whacked and I should know, I’ve been whacked a lot.

Category : FILMS
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